battling depression

I started looking for another job and looking for daycare for the kids. I got hired a month later to be a cashier at Wal-mart, The job sucked and I hated it. It was a job and I needed to work. Matt got a promotion at the factory but he started accusing me of cheating on him. So he just kept getting more and more violent just looking for things to fight about.
It was getting harder and harder for me to find reasons to stay alive I cried all the time and I didn't eat. I hated my life and felt I had no reason to be here.
I felt like Matt hated me and the kids were horribly crabby because they sensed  something was wrong.
I couldn't seem to shake this feeling and Matt refused to get me some help he told me it was all in my head and that I needed to just shake it off and get over it.
So I started to pretend I was ok.
And started contemplating how to end it all...

depression sets in

I had lost all my energy and fight for life, I didn't want to do anything or talk to anyone. I didn't play with the kids like I should have, don't get me wrong I would play if they asked but I didn't have the drive to want to do anything.
Family services were out of my life and I had gotten all my rights back. You would figure that would be a happy time in my life...It really wasn't all it meant to me was Matt was free to start hitting again and being mean. It started slowly like in the beginning, he would hit me and then be sorry. I really didn't care if he was sorry or not, I didn't care about anything.
At Christmas time he proposed to me and I accepted, I figured I was stuck why not. I was 21 with three kids who would want me?
Matt started going to work early and getting home late, he was always on the phone (after he made sure to get it turned on) and would never take a call when when I was in the room. I caught him cheating on me. I thought about leaving but I changed my mind. I stayed.
I lost my job at the daycare because I lied about the reason I needed a day off and they fired me. I couldn't believe it, it was none of their business why I needed the day off but they fired me just the same.
I was sinking farther and farther down. Depression had me and wasn't letting go I didn't care about anything.

Matt's new job

Matt found a new job within the weeks time I gave him. He started working nights at a near by factory. He would leave when I went to bed and when he got home I was leaving for my new job at a daycare. Life seemed great. I loved working with kids and Matt and I hardly ever saw each other except on the weekends.
 He got violent again just before Halloween, it was so bad I called into work, but they came and got me anyway and made me come in. I didn't know how to explain it to my boss or my case worker who I still had to see. My boss lied for me and told my worker that a kid in my room had kicked me in the face when I was tickling him.
I was relieved that she didn't tell but at the same time I was dying inside. I was getting more and more depressed, it didn't matter what I did it still wasn't good enough.
Matt would get home in the morning and then drink until he went to bed around 3, he started making demands that i make his lunch and lay out his clothes and make sure he is up on time. If he wouldn't wake up it was my fault and I was to blame and I had to pay dearly. It may have been a slap in the face or me pulled to the floor by my hair followed by a kick to the thighs, stomach or back it all depended how I fell.
I was alone I had no car and had to depend on people for a ride to where ever I went. I was isolated. I realized slowly I had no friends, no one to turn to.
All I could think was I wish I was dead, so I started thinking of ways to do it.

ok soooo

going through all of my posts I realized I have left some things out. So after I finish I will go back and clear things up. I realize the way it was and the way i wrote it I should have given more info. I am sorry about that but I guess they weren't really important things just things that need to get out of my head still. So i will continue where I left off and then I will update everything.

Thank you for your patience with me this is very hard to write and very hard to relive in my head because that is exactly what happens, I relive it and it scares me sometimes. The PTSD still scares me so bad with the flashbacks I hope and know I will be ok someday.
 thank you everyone for following me.

Have a great day,
The yellow Penguin

"My" new apartment.

Matt refused to work and I was about 8 months pregnant so I was doing it all on my own, while he sat around my house and drank beer all day. I got to have the kids come home for an 8 hour home visit and it was amazing having my babies at my house. John and Abby loved their room and their toys and I didn't want it to end.

Surprisingly two weeks after that one 8 hour visit the courts ordered my kids home. The foster parents had filed for adoption on my babies and it made the judge mad, because I was doing everything I was supposed to even doing extras that wasn't asked of me. They came home on December 16, 2003. It was the greatest day of my life. But then the reality of me having my babies and one on the way was freaking me out.
I had Erin on January 20, 2004 she was beautiful. Family services was still in my life but they were just hovering like scared parents, They kept a close eye on me and that's ok I was doing everything I needed to do.
Matt was keeping his hands to his self but he would yell at me when the kids were sleeping and he never had a nice word for me. Finally i had had enough in September and told him he had a week to find a job or get out of my house.

Sneaking around

I was working my butt off and when I wasn't working I was with Matt, he was still abusing me, accusing me of sleeping around and telling me the baby wasn't his. It was hard. I ended up pregnant again. I was scared to tell anyone because that meant me telling everyone I was seen or had been seeing Matt. When the news got out they threatened to not give the kids back and to take the baby I was pregnant with, Until I told them i hadn't seen him since the night of conception. One night it got so bad I ended up leaving his house in the middle of the night and walking a dark busy road just to be anywhere but there. I ended up calling the restaurant i worked at and they sent some one to come get me. before they got there though someone had called the police and told them a young girl was walking down the road they stopped and questioned me, not one time did they ask me about the marks on my face or why I was walking. They didn't even offer me a ride they just wanted to know what I was doing and asked to search my bag. The cook from the restaurant showed up and they let me go.

I saved enough money to get me my own place and Matt moved in with me. My sister knew and she didn't say anything to anyone.

I just wanted to let you all know

There may be a few days between postings, because this is very hard for me to write about. This stuff is all real, it all really happened to me. I hope it does help someone, but while it is helping you it is helping me. It may be hard to write but it is helping as well. so please just be patient with me if there are two or three days between postings. I am trying. If you have any idea where I am coming from you could understand why it is hard for me. You really are not alone. There is help out there I will be making a drop down menu here soon with resources to help you if you are still in the bad situation. I will be here to help.

The kids are gone...

Matt and I ended up going to stay with my biological father for somewhere to go. We were there for about two months before we got an apartment in the same "complex"(I put that in quotes because it was 16 messed up rooms some with bedrooms some just like a hotel that you had to bring your own furniture) about 4 doors down.  Matt didn't abuse me at my fathers house he patiently waited till we got our own place. I thought he was going to kill me. No one in this place cared the wall were paper thin and no one did a thing. I was still alone and I know even my dad knew... I get a job at McDonald's working the morning shift I had to walk to work at 4Am every morning alone. It was scary and Matt wasn't working but he refused to walk with me. He let me work for two weeks before he beat me so bad I couldn't go to work, I had no phone and no way to get to one so I lost my job. He started working with my dad at a trucking company. When he would get home everyday he would accuse me of cheating on him. So he would scream at me and throw things at me and hit me randomly everyday after he got home.
I started working at a local restaurant as a waitress and shortly after I found out I was pregnant. He swore up and down the baby wasn't his so he repeatedly hit me in the stomach till I miscarried. I was left to find a ride and go to the hospital alone.
After a while my CPS worker and my whole family support team made me leave him, so I moved in with my sister. Because I was so afraid I still saw him behind everyone's back, they had no idea.


Matt and I had a love hate relationship, he loved to hate me, and I just loved him. He was sweet one minute and mean the next I was constantly on edge.
We had been up for two days and things were going well, we went into the bedroom for some alone time and we fell asleep. There was no reason for us to fall asleep but we did, we woke up 8 hours later. The babies were crying and I was scared, I didn't know where I was or what time it was. Matt put my shoes on and took me and the kids out of there. He swore up and down that our room mate had drugged us. We went to the hospital to have John and Abby checked out they were fine but they drug tested me and Matt and we had large amounts of meth in our system, they called child services, I lost my kids that night. I had lost everything.

Matt refused to go back to that house and I refused to do any more drugs I had to get my kids back. We started fighting more he wanted to do drugs and I didn't. We needed to find a place to stay so we started jumping from friends house to friends house.
I got to visit my babies once a week at McDonald's. It wasn't enough I missed my babies.

Tim's in jail

So Tim went to jail and I was doing drugs (not the highest point in my life). I met Matt he was nice and sweet and he was attracted to me. Not to mention that he was the one supplying me with my drug of choice. We quickly moved in together with his room mate and everything was going great starting off, but it quickly went down hill.
We started fighting verbally at first then he started hitting me in front of Abby and John. It was horrible and the John was scared. It started with him just slapping me and me hitting him back. He would hit me then apologize at first and buy my flowers and things would be ok for a few days.
Then one night he was  screaming in my face calling me all sorts of names. He pushed me and I punched him in the eye, so he threw me across the  room breaking my tail bone. I couldn't move for three days and he had to take care of me. When I was finally able to move on my own we got into a fight again and I left and went to my moms house. I stayed there for the weekend and went back to him Monday morning.
He was so happy to see me telling me he missed me and that he was so sorry he hurt me and that things were gonna be different.
I believed him......
Things were good for a week, just one, when the fighting started again. But this time he was accusing me of sleeping with the other guys that came into the house. He would tell me that just by me talking to them I was flirting with them and that they told him I asked to sleep with them for drugs.
Things started to go from bad to worse. He wouldn't let me or the kids out of the bedroom we had to stay in there all day and night only coming out to go to the bathroom or get food, then it was right back onto the bedroom.
I made the mistake of going out in the living room while he was asleep one day to hang out with a few people and when he woke up there was hell to pay. He slapped me a kicked me and called me every name under the sun. He hurt me so bad my back was messed up and I couldn't get off the floor. I could do nothing but lay in the floor while he took care of my kids and took care of me. He wouldn't let me sleep though I had to stay awake and in pain. I wished I was dead.
We would stay awake for weeks at a time, on drugs, we would fight constantly. I was too scared to leave. He would tell me if he couldn't have me no one could and if I left again he would not only kill me but my family.
My mom and sister acted like everything was ok and nothing bad was going on they chose to ignore it, leaving  me alone. I just assumed no one cared if I lived or died so I kept doing the drugs with Matt.

the saga continues

Tim was away when John was born. I thought this is great I can start over and be ok. Well Tim got out of jail and I went right back I couldn't stay away. That's when all of the drugs started. Him taking the car and leaving me alone. I didn't care I stayed. We got married 6 months after he got out and I immediately got  pregnant again. That is when the abuse started. A few slaps here and there, then apologies started, I got pushed down the stairs when I was 8 months pregnant because I wouldn't go buy him some pot. It was horrible I dreaded him coming home. I was alone and scared and had no one to talk to, there were never any visible signs of abuse so no one would believe me.
After I had Abby everything got worse. I was two days out of the hospital when he forced me to have sex with him and he ripped out two of my staples from my cesarean. When it came time for me to go back to the doctor he threw a fit and punched the widow out of our front door and cut his hand so bad we had to call 911. It took me 2 months to get my staples out because he refused to take me, they had grown into my skin and were infected.
I started doing drugs with him because I thought if I did he wouldn't be so mean to me. I was wrong It all got worse. He started raping me anally and vaginally. He would never take no for an answer. I felt horrible and worthless. He was still disappearing all the time. He was cheating on me and I thought I deserved it.
We were constantly moving I would give him money to pay the bills and he didn't do it. He wouldn't allow me to pay them it all had to go through him.
He always told me how stupid fat and ugly I was and how I would never amount to anything. I felt like it
He finally went back to jail. And I walked away.

here's how it began

When I was 16 I decided I knew everything. I dropped out of school and got a job. I was working grave yard at a local restaurant. On my third  day there this man and his friend  come in and he started talking to me, his name was Tim. He told me he needed to tell me something and, he kissed me on the side of my neck and asked me to marry him. lol I had a boyfriend at the time and I told him no I didn't think my boyfriend would like that very much. Later in the night he heard me talking to the cook saying I needed a ride home and he offered. The cook told me he was a nice guy and I didn't have to worry so I said he could take me home.
I only lived 5 miles from work so we didn't have time to talk and I found out he was 28 years old. Me being the silly kids I was couldn't help but think wow this guy is older and actually wants me, I thought I was so lucky. He asked me for my number before I got out of the car. I wasn't home long before he called me and asked me if i wanted to hang out. I called my boyfriend and let him know what I was doing and where I was going, I let him pick me up and we went to his house to watch a movie.
With in two weeks I had broken up with my boy friend and me and Tim were inseparable. We had talked about running away together and I thought it was just talk.
In February of 2000 we left for Georgia while my mom was at work. I was gone for about 3 weeks when I found out I was pregnant. I was scared and I wanted to come home. We fought about me going back and he told me to lie so he wouldn't be in trouble. Finally at the end of March I was on a bus alone on my way back to my mom and my home. I told everyone I didn't even leave the state. I don't think anyone believed me.
I finally told my mom in May that I was pregnant because I couldn't hide it anymore.
Tim came back and he kept getting in trouble with the police and he went to jail for 6 months.......

I don't even know where to start sooooo

I will start by saying I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was not in a war as most people believe that that is where PTSD comes from I was in two very horrible relationships. I have been beaten severely and while my body  has healed my mind has not. I don't know if I will ever be ok again. But I am working with a therapist and a psychiatrist and I am trying to heal for my family.
I was beaten by both of my ex husbands and while I wish I could say if I could do it over I wouldn't have done it at all well that's just not true because without everything I have been through I wouldn't be who I am today and despite the fear I love who I am. Plus I wouldn't have my wonderful children who help me everyday.
I have moved on now I am in a wonderful, abuse free, relationship and I am happier than I have ever been, it has taken me a long time to realize that I won't be hit, but my partner is very supportive and understanding.