the consequences to telling your therapist the truth!

I had an appointment today with my daughters doctor, she treated me like crap because I am gay. She made remarks to my daughter to the effect of "mommy shouldn't touch your private parts" and then told me I needed to get all of my children into counseling because of my living situation with my partner. Then she asked that my daughter leave the room so my partner and my daughter left and she began to ask me if I had a relationship with god. Then I told her I was getting my son into therapy and before I could finish why she said " yes you should so he doesn't turn out gay too" I left her office feeling mad and so many other feelings I can't even place.

I later had an appointment with my therapist and we were talking about my day and if I had cut recently and I told her it had been two weeks and I was feeling really good except for the fact of what happened at the pediatrician. She then told me I needed to got get help at the Hyland behavioral center and that I could either call my partner to get me or she would call an ambulance. So I called my girlfriend and she brought me home. I in no way had any intention of hurting myself today. The only thing was I was going to get a few tattoo's I was waiting to get. After I got home I called and informed her i was not going to the center because I was not a danger to myself. She agreed to that.

       I am still in shock at how I was treated today by these so called professionals, i was discriminated against and almost forced into treatment I do not feel i needed. I feel like all my therapist did was send me into an unnecessary panic  that I would not have been in if it hadn't been for her.

Ok I had to get that out!!!
I hope everyone has a great night, day, and morning

It's just another day

Hi everyone I hope this post finds you well!!!

I have been sitting here thinking about what I can write here because there are always so many things going through my head. Then i realized I have been posting a lot of negative things soooo I figured I should try being positive because I have been having a hard time with that personally. I am going to TRY to be positive for one week. It is going to be hard for me to do but I am going to try it and see how it works for me.
I will let you all know how positive thinking helps me. If it does at all. I think it just might I am hoping it will because damn something needs to change. I have a lot of positive things in my  life that I take for granted, and I am going to focus on them....

My reasoning for the trouble with positive thinking is all the flashbacks buuuuutttt if I am positive maybe the horrible things won't be so bad. So please everyone keep your fingers crossed for me.

Hope you all have a great day, night or morning wherever you are!!!

I feel like I am falling apart

When I first started this blog I thought that the PTSD couldn't get any worse I thought I was living the worst of it then. Well it turns out I was wrong and silly to think that that was all there was to it. There are some days it is very hard for me to even function. There are times I don't want to leave my house or even my room. I have cut myself and harmed myself just trying to make it all stop and go away.

It is very hard for me to admit to some of these things cutting is a horrible thing and once you start it is hard to stop doing. For me I used to do it when I was younger now that I am older I started again, it is horrible it is hard to explain to your loved ones what you are doing and why. It has almost gotten to the point that I don't think my partner wants me to go to the bathroom alone.

I feel like a shell of my former self I am scared of everything I am scared to sleep and I don't want to be awake I just feel lost and broken. The worst part is these so called men could still do this to someone else. They have broken me, I fear, beyond repair.

I really and truly hope no one else feels like I do i wish there were more places to help the abused, I see things all the time for our veterans which is great don't get me wrong but there are a ton of abused people who need help too.

I am writing this so everyone knows If you ever need someone to talk to who you don't know and WILL NOT judge you feel free to email me at I will talk with you and I will listen.

It is horrible to be in the situation I am in and not have anyone to talk to who won't judge you, I do have some one who will listen but I hate how sad it makes them when I do talk to them about it.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day!!!

10 steps backward (ramblings)

Here lately I feel like I am struggling with everything, with my PTSD it is like I have taken 10 steps backwards, I feel scared all the time and I don't want to leave my house. I don't want to talk with anyone not even my closest friends. I have even been shutting my partner out.

I have talked to my therapist and she said this happens, I just think I am too weak SOMETIMES to deal with it. I think that some days are harder than others and I have been having a few bad horrible months. I am trying to be positive.

All I can say is whoever is reading this and knows what I am going through you don't have to comment or anything like that I just want to say I am sorry and it is a horrible feeling. I hope one day we can all find peace from our internal battles.

Restraining order


I have been having a time trying to explain to everyone why I do not and will not get an order of protection but tonight my partner and I were given the exact reason I will NOT get one.

A friend of mine has broken up with her boyfriend and he turned out to be crazy so she went last week and filed for an order of protection. She was granted a temporary one until their court date. Well for the last three days this man has found a way of harassing her with out actually doing it, he has been sending inadvertent messages through her friends saying he knows who is at her house and people who have left her house have gotten mysterious flat tires and things of that nature.

well tonight she was home and it was just her and her children and some one banged on the side of her house (she lives in a mobile home) and when she looked out the window she saw a man but could not see any of his features, they then proceed to knock on her front window and then they were gone.

She then calls my partner and I and we go over to check on her. When we get to her home I see a man in dark clothing walk around the back of her house and so I tell my partner to go to the other side where she sees the same person walk back and then they were gone and we didn't see them anymore.

She called the police and they came out and said that there was nothing they could do there was no proof that this man was harassing her that no one actually saw his face and there was nothing they could do. 

My friend is now sitting in her house scared because of this man, he never laid a hand on her but she is still scared. 

Now everyone wants me to get an order of protection against Matt!!! After seeing what I saw tonight there is no way I will be doing that. It just broke all my hopes of ever being ok again. Matt texted me up until about 2am this morning telling me I was a horrible person for leaving etc.. And I am supposed to believe a piece of paper is going to keep this man, who has hurt me both mentally and physically numerous times, from hurting me. I am finding that really hard to believe. 

I feel like I am just out of options, short of moving and changing my number what the hell can I do there is nothing and nobody out there that can protect me I am virtually alone in protecting myself. Because there is nothing the POLICE can do! 

unseen wounds

I may look normal on the outside, but inside I am dying. When I tell people I am on all kinds of meds to get me through the day they say "but you look just fine, nothing is wrong with you" Well I don't think people realize there are more wounds than just physical pain.
I am in physical pain but that is not why I take medicine, that pain is from the abuse. There isn't a day that goes by that my back or my shoulders hurt. My tailbone hurts all the time too. My knees hurt among so many other parts of my body. There are so many things wrong with me and I am only 28 years old. The 12 years I dealt with abuse was enough to age me 40 years. I am scared to think of how I will feel 20 years from now. Will I even make it that long? I have no idea. I feel mentally and physically exhausted all the time and there is nothing I can do about it.

I have a wonderful partner who will take care of the kids so I can get some rest or just so I can take a break from the house. She is amazing I couldn't ask for a better person in my life.

I guess the point of this post is to tell people just because someone is fine on the outside doesn't mean they aren't in a constant war in their head.

I read a post on someone else's blog and I will share a link to it and it kind of says how I feel on a day to day basis.
That is an amazing story and I think people everywhere should read it.

I hope everyone is having a great day

Death ( not mine in general)

Today would have been my dads birthday he would have been 55 today. He died when I was 14 of a heart attack. I have and still do beat myself up about the day he died. I was a horrible teenager and I knew how to throw hateful words around.

My last words to the man who raised me, the man I call my dad, were I hate you. I feel horrible still to this day and I am 28. Those are words you can never take back those are words that for some people cut so deep they cannot be taken back or forgiven. Don't get me wrong I know my dad loved me and that he forgives me, but I feel horrible for uttering those three little horrible words.

This is what got me thinking of death and the feelings that come with it. For those people who believe in God and all other higher powers, not saying I don't so don't get me wrong. I am just wondering if when people die if they are going to a better place why are we, as people in general, so sad and why do some of us hang on to that sadness for such a long time? I know my dad is in a better place and I know he is fishing and doing things he loved to do but why am I so sad he isn't here, in this horrible place on earth?

Life here in America is scary right now, well life in general right now is scary not just America, but that is where I live so... Why am I so sad that he isn't here, to struggle and be miserable with the rest of us. I guess it is selfishness on my part that wants him here. I don't remember what his voice sounds like or what his laugh sounds like. Sometimes I forget what he looks like. I think me losing my dad scared me in a way that I didn't know I could be scared. My brother and sister dealt with his death like champs they don't dwell on it like I do. I do to his grave multiple times a year and there are sometimes I can just sit and talk for hours. I don't do that so much anymore but I could if I had the time. I know he isn't there and he, with his sense of humor is probably laughing at me but that is ok he can laugh all he wants. It makes me feel better to know he was not alone for those moments. I guess that is part of my problem I don't want him to be alone. That seems funny too if I don't believe he is there how is he alone.

I know a lot of this probably doesn't make a bit of sense but to me it is a bunch a questions I have why does death have to be so complicated? Your sad they are gone but you are happy they are in a better place but even though they are in that better place you are still sad wishing they were here on earth with you.

OK ramble over that is just what I am thinking of today. So of the messed up thoughts in this messed up girls head!

I hope you all are having great days!!!!

I guess I didn't realize how bad I had it till now

I have almost quit sleeping entirely I sleep only about a half hour at a time, when I try to go back to sleep it takes me an hour. I wake up screaming every night now, I can't sleep at night because I am so sure they are coming to get me. During the day I hate to be out in public just in case they are there or someone who knows them is there.
I hate having PTSD!
I hate being scared I hate that I am not the full of life fun woman I used to be I feel like I am a scared little girl in the shell of a woman.

I thought that the worst of what those men boys did to me was over, little did I know that they hurt me far worse than I could ever imagine. I did not know someone could hurt you so bad that it isn't only a memory but everyday it seems like it is happening over and over again.

I wish I could say that I was getting better and that the Dr.s are helping me but I would be lying. I wish I could say that someday I will be ok again but that isn't true either, PTSD is not something that goes away, I have been told "You just learn to manage it" well I am not managing it very well I don't know how any one can "manage" to be ok when you are terrified of the past.

I never used to be afraid of anything except something happening to my children now I feel scared of everything and everyone. I feel like no one is safe. I snap at my partner and I even snap at my children because I am so tired and worn thin.

I don't know how many of my followers actually read this but if you do and you know where I am coming from or are where I have been, PLEASE call the police if someone is hurting you, You do not deserve to be hit and sometimes the pain from it never goes away. I am proof of that.

 PTSD is not just something war veterans get ANY kind of trauma can cause it. The doctors do help but IN MY OPINION they really don't know what I am going through so how can they help me. With that I think I am just angry that these people, who have never had it happen, are trying to tell me I will be ok and I can "manage". How do they know? just because they read it in a book doesn't make it true.

I hope everyone is having a nice morning, day, afternoon, evening or night wherever you are!