Should old acquaintance be forgot

I wish it were that easy to forget someone.

I try so hard to forget the "men" that hurt me but I can't they are the fathers of my children. I wish it was easy to just banish someone from your thoughts but it's not that simple in my case I have to deal with these men on a regular basis.

I am feeling a little bitter today on the last day of the year. My ex (Matt) has the nerve to question my parenting ability when he has only seen his child a handful of times in one year.

I am so tired of him trying to control me when I haven't been around him for 3 years. I want to forget him, I want to forget everything about him.

Then there is Tim and he is just a pathetic waste of man. He screws up and expects everyone to feel sorry for him. He gets in trouble and everyone is supposed to drop everything and bow down to what he needs.

These are people I wish I could forget, but in all reality I don't think that would help me I think if I could forget  everything they have done to me I would finally be ok. I want to forget the abuse and the horrible names and the pain. I don't want to wake up at night crying and I don't want to wake up scared to move for fear they followed me out of my dream. I want to be able to walk into a store and not think one of them are going to get me. I want to be able to drive and not worry that they are following me.

 I will old acquaintances could be forgotten or old abusers could be forgotten. That would be wonderful for the New Year.

I hope everyone has a safe and Happy New Years Eve!!!!!

Christmas is over!!!!!!!!

   YAY!!! Christmas is over every thing is taken down and I am done with the holiday!!!! I am what most people would call a Grinch I hate Christmas, or so I thought I did.

    It is funny how when your situation changes your perspective on things change with it. No I didn't come into a bunch of money I am actually poorer than I have ever been. What changed were the people around me. I have a wonderful significant other and I have my wonderful children. I am slowly starting to love Christmas again. I did take all my decorations down already, but that is only because I hate the clutter.

   I used to hate Christmas and everything that came with it. I hated shopping and I especially hated wrapping the gifts and I hated the decorations. I just Hated it with a capitol H.

    This year I noticed something thing though, I noticed that it didn't really bother me to put the decorations up, I actually caught myself smiling, I was excited about shopping for the kids. Whao! What the hell is happening to me? "Santa" even put stockings up a day early... What does this mean? is my heart growing bigger. Am I not so Grinch like?

    It then dawned on me. I am in a completely different situation. I love my life now I love my partner. I have an amazing job and I love going to school. OMG!!!! I am actually happy for once in my life.

    It may not be important to anyone but me, but I thought I would share. It is wonderful to me to know my heart is healing and that one day everything will be ok.


It's that time of year when everyone should be feeling happy and in the spirit, but me I feel like the Grinch.
I am celebrating Christmas for my children and that is it.
I think it is funny my family wanted to celebrate with me when things were horrible in my life and I was with abusive assholes. They wanted to spend their holidays at my house or us at theirs. Now my whole family wants to do their own thing and has wanted to do it since Angel and I got together and I just don't understand why now they want to do their own thing.
When I was with Matt they all wanted to come to my house not knowing that if things didn't look perfect to him after the party I got screamed at and abused. None of it makes sense to me.
I am happier than I have ever been and I am in a great relationship and no one wants to get together.
They have all given up every family tradition we had and I just don't understand why.

I guess I will keep as I have been pretending to be happy about all of their plans and go on about my day.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday no matter what you celebrate.

The abuse continues.

You would think with me being away and on my own for as long as I have been he would realize I am not coming back. But oh no he calls and text messages me everyday. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't at least hear from him once.

Some days it is him swearing I am coming back to him and he is offering to buy me a new house and car and all kinds of pretty shiny things. Other days it is him telling me how I am a horrible mother and that I am a worthless whore. Then there are the days when he wants to talk calmly about a divorce.

I don't know what to think of him anymore I have honestly thought of having him committed it in the loony bin. I wish I could or I wish he would just move on and leave me alone but I don't think that will ever happen for me I think I am bound to live the rest of my life miserable with his torment.

Sometimes I am really tired of this life. My friends don't realize that sometime I don't even want to leave my house and some people who think they are my close friends don't even know the real me. I don't want them to know the real me I don't want them to know everything I have gone through and I don't want them to know the things I still go through. It is hard enough for me having Angel know without everyone else knowing.

I know this is kind of rambling I just kinda needed to get it out of my system today. So I thought here would be the best place to do it...

The last few weeks have been really hard for me...

PTSD rears it's ugly head. I have had some horrible night mares these last few weeks and it is always me reliving past events. It is always the abuse over and over again. They have been so bad that I have woken up violently sick.

It is and has been the same dream me getting the life choked out of me by Matt. You can see the joy on his face as he does this to me. He is smiling as he chokes me. I can feel it as it happens and I wake up gasping for air. It is horrible, and there is nothing I can do about it.

I feel like I am taking steps back, it feels like the the PTSD is getting worse and I can't keep living like this. I love my life but I hate the things I see in my head and the things I have to relive everyday.

I hate how these men have control over me still how they have control over my mind. They cannot control my actions but they control how I view life now. I am scared to leave my house some days and I am scared to go into crowded stores for fear that they are there, I hate to drive in traffic for fear a horrible flash back will grab me.

I hate these feelings I hate feeling like this...

I am trying everyday to get better I can only hope I will start to be able to manage myself better but I don't know if that will ever happen. But I am hopeful.

my story is just about at it's end

I will write about other things and I will still be talking about the things that continue to happen because sadly both of those men will always be in my life because they are MY children's fathers I don't have to like and I don't but sadly there is nothing I can do about it. 

I hate that I still have to speak kindly and calmly to these so called men, but I will not stoop to their level of name calling. I will always remain the bigger man.

Their rein of terror is still there and it will be for quite sometime. There is still more to the story I have not posted, but I am having trouble with my PTSD so for me to think and write about it makes everything worse. I will finish my story I promise, but like I have said before you just have to bare with me. 

I don't know if I have said it before but I appreciate all of you everyone of you that read this. Maybe after my story is all out I can do a give away for you wonderful people in the land of the internet.

I do appreciate all of you and I hope you do find this blog helpful I will start posting about things that calm me and help me with the PTSD and I hope maybe you will find them fun or useful. I love to do crafts and DIY things. I would love to share them if you would be interested in learning about them too.

I hope you all have a wonderful day, night or morning where ever time it is when you are reading this.

So this has nothing to do with my original story but I wanted to weigh in on it.

I was bullied in school. Not so much high school but in elementary school. I hated to go I didn't want to wake up in the morning I found any reason I could to stay at home "sick". But not one time did I think of killing myself. Don't get me wrong later in life for unrelated reasons I did try and did want to die, I hate that young kids are turning to that. I hate that they feel there is no one to turn to about this. It all makes me sad.

They say there are no bullying policies in school these days but I find MY child being bullied now, and she tells me when she tells the teacher she does nothing to fix the problem the other child suffers no consequences, none, the other child doesn't even have to miss recess. That bothers me and makes me wonder is this why young CHILDREN  are taking their own lives because an adult won't do anything to punish or reprimand the other student?

I talk with my children very openly and they know they can tell me anything and I won't lie to them in my answers, unless it is about Santa or the Easter bunny, I will tell them in the most kid friendly way possible. I just don't understand how a child can tell an adult they are being bullied and the adult does nothing about it.
I didn't want to make this a long post. I was just wanting to, I guess, put my theory in on why these suicides are happening.

The bottom line is as adults we need to give children, not just yours, someone to talk to and we as adults need to show the bullies that it is not ok to be mean to anyone.

Thank you for reading my little post here.

I'm leaving

In the course of my planning I met Angel, I was immediately attracted to her and I knew I wanted to be with her. We met on the Friday before Memorial day at our friends house. We talked and joked for about 5 hours when I finally got home it was 1am and Matt was mad he yelled at me but that was about it.
I thought about her all weekend. When finally Maggie called to tell me that Angel talked about me all weekend wondering if I was coming over. Matt had to work on memorial day so he had to go to bed at noon and I had to keep the kids quiet so I went over to Maggie's and let the kids play while we hung out. Angel showed up and we talked and joked and had a good time. I got home just in time to wake Matt up and make him something to eat.
Angel called me the next day out of the blue and we talked on the phone we decided that she would come over after Matt went to work.
We talked all night long and that is all we did was talk. we found common interests and it was nice to just be able to talk to someone and not be alone. She left at 6am. I thought about her all week long and had decided I was going to leave Matt on Friday. I woke up friday morning Put John and Abby on the bus and waited for Matt to come home I told him we needed to talk and that I was leaving. I didn't get the reaction I was waiting for, He cried and asked me not to do this. I told him I was leaving in the morning and that my mind was made up and that was the end of it

signs you are in an abusive relationship

Your Inner Thoughts and FeelingsYour Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Do you:
  • feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
  • avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
  • feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
  • believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
  • wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
  • feel emotionally numb or helpless? 
Does your partner:
  • humiliate or yell at you?
  • criticize you and put you down?
  • treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
  • ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
  • blame you for their own abusive behavior?
  • see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or ThreatsYour Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner:
  • have a bad and unpredictable temper?
  • hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you? 
  • threaten to take your children away or harm them?
  • threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
  • force you to have sex?
  • destroy your belongings?
Does your partner:
  • act excessively jealous and possessive?
  • control where you go or what you do?
  • keep you from seeing your friends or family?
  • limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
  • constantly check up on you?

Something snapped

I had had enough of Matt's crap and I was letting him know that I was done. I didn't feel like bowing down anymore I felt like standing up for myself and doing what I wanted. I told my mom this was it, when school was out for the summer I was gone. I asked her if I could stay there till I got on my feet, there was no problem there it was just picking the day and sticking to it. I finally decided to leave a week sooner than i originally planned. I told Matt when he got home from work I was leaving. He cried and begged me to stay and I just told him I couldn't. I left the very next morning. Which I know was probably really dumb looking back on it he could have killed me. But I did get out fine.

I am sorry for some reason this didn't post when I originally thought I posted it. This is the short condensed  version I will get around to updating all of these posts hopefully very soon.

It all continues

Angel and I found a new place to live and I decided not to tell Matt. We moved into our new three bedroom house. It was nice. I quit talking to Matt and I thought things would be ok. I was wrong it seemed like Matt had lost his mind even more. He then started calling relentlessly it was horrible. But I had quit going over to his house and he didn't take the kids anymore.
He lost his house and because I left him a year before it was all my fault. I still don't know how that worked but he acted like it was my fault and my responsibility. I couldn't believe it, how could that be my fault? I wasn't there and he wasn't giving me any money so how was him losing the house my fault  or problem? He ended up moving in to a two bedroom trailer and not taking the kids' beds with him. He then wanted to get mad at me for him not seeing the kids. I would ask him if he wanted them and he would come up with one excuse after another. It was and still is hard.