PTSD rears it's ugly head. I have had some horrible night mares these last few weeks and it is always me reliving past events. It is always the abuse over and over again. They have been so bad that I have woken up violently sick.
It is and has been the same dream me getting the life choked out of me by Matt. You can see the joy on his face as he does this to me. He is smiling as he chokes me. I can feel it as it happens and I wake up gasping for air. It is horrible, and there is nothing I can do about it.
I feel like I am taking steps back, it feels like the the PTSD is getting worse and I can't keep living like this. I love my life but I hate the things I see in my head and the things I have to relive everyday.
I hate how these men have control over me still how they have control over my mind. They cannot control my actions but they control how I view life now. I am scared to leave my house some days and I am scared to go into crowded stores for fear that they are there, I hate to drive in traffic for fear a horrible flash back will grab me.
I hate these feelings I hate feeling like this...
I am trying everyday to get better I can only hope I will start to be able to manage myself better but I don't know if that will ever happen. But I am hopeful.