Trying to start over

Matt called me every day and since i had taken the only car he felt it necessary for me to take him to work, and I felt obligated to do it. So I would get to his house and hour early and not only wake him up but I continued to make his lunch for him and find his clothes. While he would belittle me and call me names and sometimes try to force me to sleep with him.
One night he wouldn't take no for an answer and almost raped me. It was horrible, I still took him to work though I was trapped still in the abuse cycle and I didn't even realize it at first. I felt like I was doing what I needed to do since I left him with no car.
Still no matter what I did I was wrong and stupid and he thought he could still hit me and push me around until I had decided I was no longer going to take him to work. He got mad and beat the hell out of me in front of the kids one day when he wanted to see the kids. It was horrible and I felt horrible for them having to see that.
He was calling me names and dragging me around the house around my hair. The kids were scared and crying and he was telling them they had to choose who they loved more him or me. The were being brought into the middle and I could do nothing to stop it.
I was still just as powerless gone as I was when I lived there. I didn't know what to do.
Angel was mad and she wanted to beat the hell out of him like he beat me but I wouldn't let her do that because I didn't want her in trouble for doing that. As much as she hated it she let him go and took care of me the best way she could.
The nightmares had started and I started not sleeping very well. I felt crazy and in my head knew there was nothing I could do about it.


I met Angel about a week before I left Matt. She was kind and I was instantly attracted to her. I met her the Friday before Memorial day. When I got home she was all i could think of all weekend.
Monday Matt was being an asshole yelling and cussing me because the neighbors were having a party and he had to go to bed because he had to work. So I went to my friends ( her name is Amy) house again. I had been there about an hour when Angel showed up. We started talking and joking around with Amy's husband we were having fun.
I went home that night and missed her and it was weird to me to miss someone. On Tuesday Amy called to tell me Angel kept asking about me so she gave her my number.
I was shocked that this was happening to me. Angel called me Tuesday and we agreed that she could come over after Matt left for work. We talked all night long nothing else we just talked. She didn't leave until Wednesday morning at 6am.
When Matt got home from work I had to hear how he was soooo tired because he didn't get any sleep, while he drank beer after beer.
Angel and I talked on the phone all week long, It was nice to be talked to and not yelled at. She made me happy just talking to me.
Friday morning I mustered up all of my courage and told Matt I was leaving Saturday morning.
He cried and begged me not to go but I had had enough.
Saturday morning I packed mine and the kids things and drove to my moms. It was so freeing just driving away. I thought the abuse was over.

the resources page

I am working on it now it will take me a while to get all 50 states up there but I will and even after they are up there i am going to work to keep putting things up there that will help. I will do it as fast as I can.
I hope everyone is having a safe and happy day.

omg I am so mad right now

I was working on a new post and I hit the backspace button and erased the whole thing and I have no idea how i did it. I am so mad because I was almost done... GRRRRRRRRRR
I will post a new one later I have to get back to work now. Not ready for the long day!

The Planning Continues

I had decided that I had to leave, I just didn't know how.
I started talking to friends more and talking to my family, when Matt would go to sleep I would leave and go any where but there. I started to enjoy my freedom. So on Friday nights when the kids would go to bed and Matt was sleeping I would go hang out at a friends house and we would talk about all kinds of things. I have known her since kindergarten she and still is my best friend.
I told her about everything, she knew about most of the abuse and the yelling. She was supportive and would just listen. She told me she would be there for me when I left. I had decided that when I left I would never be with another man again. I had been with women before and decided that was the way for me to go.
 I had taken a domestic violence awareness class while the kids were in foster care, and statistically there is less violence in a lesbian relationship. I was having horrible nightmares about my abuse and i didn't want to be hurt anymore so my friend was the first person I told. She supported me 100%
I didn't plan on an immediate relationship I just knew I didn't want another man like the ones I had.

I wanted to forget all of that ever happened to me and my children.


 I started planning and thinking and planning some more. Every time I thought I had the nerve to go I didn't do it. A year had passed since my initial plan to leave, I started wondering if I should stay or not. I would tell myself well he isn't always mean sometimes he's nice, but then other times I was thinking about taking the kids and never look back. My other thoughts were to just kill myself that maybe I wasn't good enough to be a mommy any more and that my kids deserved better than me.
Every day my thoughts would change about whether I was leaving or dying I couldn't decide which would be better. I didn't want my kids to be raised solely by Matt and I definitely didn't want Tim raising them and he couldn't any way he was in prison still. I didn't know what to do and I was more and  more depressed by the day all I wanted to do was sleep.
I would wake up in the morning and put the kids on the bus and after that Matt would get home from work I would go back to sleep till around noon when he would go to bed then I would get up and start my day. Cleaning what ever mess him and Erin had made making her lunch getting the kids cooking and cleaning some more then I would get the kids ready for bed and wake Matt up for work, after he was gone I went back to bed.
I hated my life, I was unhappy and so were my kids and that hurt me worse than anything else. I continued to plan but I didn't have a definite plan in place just a thought in my head and it stayed that way. I knew I wanted to leave but I knew it would be hard I didn't know if he would come after me or not. I was scared and that is all it came down to. If I was gonna die I didn't want him to be the one to kill me.

The new house

I didn't realize how alone I would feel in the new house. I didn't think things would have gotten worse but they did because we didn't have people above us and beside us. we had neighbors but they couldn't hear a thing especially if we were in the basement.
We settled into our new house and the kids loved the big yard and all the room we had. I mad friends with the neighbor next door she was about 30 years older than me but she quickly became my best friend. we had coffee together every day. She knew I was unhappy but she didn't know Matt was hitting me. Matt hated her because I had someone to talk to. Her name was Mary. Mary and I would go shopping every Wednesday and we were always together. She was my solace.  I told her that I was thinking of leaving Matt, she knew he yelled a lot but that is all she knew. she encouraged me to get away. At that time all I did was talk about it. I talked with my mom and my sister, my mom gave me a key to her house in case I decided to just pick up and go. I wasn't sure that is what I wanted to do though, I had security with Matt he made good money and we didn't want for anything. I just could take the abuse anymore...

pretending and marriage

I was pretending to be happy and it worked for a little while, until i found out i was pregnant again. I was over joyed. I was excited to have this new life inside of me I thought maybe Matt wouldn't be so mean if I just gave him another baby.
I was wrong and because of the stress of everything I lost my baby. I was devastated. No one knew i was pregnant except Matt  I was glad no one knew I didn't want to have to explain to everyone that I had lost him or her.
Me and Matt started planning the wedding and he was being nicer than ever. We wanted something small so that is what I planned.We got marred in early spring, a total of 20 people came after the ceremony Matt proceded to get drunk and couldn't take the time to spend time with me, his new wife, at the reception he didn't care.

We went home instead of a honeymoon and that was it. we stayed there all weekend long. I thought again everything was going to be ok. and it was.
we found a house in October and proceeded to start moving in. I thought it was a dream come true. No nosy neighbors next door or above us just a home...