I started planning and thinking and planning some more. Every time I thought I had the nerve to go I didn't do it. A year had passed since my initial plan to leave, I started wondering if I should stay or not. I would tell myself well he isn't always mean sometimes he's nice, but then other times I was thinking about taking the kids and never look back. My other thoughts were to just kill myself that maybe I wasn't good enough to be a mommy any more and that my kids deserved better than me.
Every day my thoughts would change about whether I was leaving or dying I couldn't decide which would be better. I didn't want my kids to be raised solely by Matt and I definitely didn't want Tim raising them and he couldn't any way he was in prison still. I didn't know what to do and I was more and  more depressed by the day all I wanted to do was sleep.
I would wake up in the morning and put the kids on the bus and after that Matt would get home from work I would go back to sleep till around noon when he would go to bed then I would get up and start my day. Cleaning what ever mess him and Erin had made making her lunch getting the kids cooking and cleaning some more then I would get the kids ready for bed and wake Matt up for work, after he was gone I went back to bed.
I hated my life, I was unhappy and so were my kids and that hurt me worse than anything else. I continued to plan but I didn't have a definite plan in place just a thought in my head and it stayed that way. I knew I wanted to leave but I knew it would be hard I didn't know if he would come after me or not. I was scared and that is all it came down to. If I was gonna die I didn't want him to be the one to kill me.

1 comment:

  1. Dying will only hurt your children. They need you and you need them. I have been where you are at, 30+ years ago and I am so glad that I was able to overcome my feelings of dejection. Know that there is always someone who will listen and if you need to leave that is what you do. But go on to a better life for you and your will not regret it in the end. Please take care of yourself.