I started planning and thinking and planning some more. Every time I thought I had the nerve to go I didn't do it. A year had passed since my initial plan to leave, I started wondering if I should stay or not. I would tell myself well he isn't always mean sometimes he's nice, but then other times I was thinking about taking the kids and never look back. My other thoughts were to just kill myself that maybe I wasn't good enough to be a mommy any more and that my kids deserved better than me.
Every day my thoughts would change about whether I was leaving or dying I couldn't decide which would be better. I didn't want my kids to be raised solely by Matt and I definitely didn't want Tim raising them and he couldn't any way he was in prison still. I didn't know what to do and I was more and more depressed by the day all I wanted to do was sleep.
I would wake up in the morning and put the kids on the bus and after that Matt would get home from work I would go back to sleep till around noon when he would go to bed then I would get up and start my day. Cleaning what ever mess him and Erin had made making her lunch getting the kids cooking and cleaning some more then I would get the kids ready for bed and wake Matt up for work, after he was gone I went back to bed.
I hated my life, I was unhappy and so were my kids and that hurt me worse than anything else. I continued to plan but I didn't have a definite plan in place just a thought in my head and it stayed that way. I knew I wanted to leave but I knew it would be hard I didn't know if he would come after me or not. I was scared and that is all it came down to. If I was gonna die I didn't want him to be the one to kill me.