Sorry it has been so long!

I am sorry I have been away for a while I have been fighting with depression and the PTSD and sadly it was a war I think I was losing. I am doing a little better now, but I am still fighting daily.

You haven't missed much except for the fact that I got kicked out of school, then I lost my house. I keep thinking that things can't get any worse, and then they do.

I am keeping my head up though I have to for my three wonderful children, it is hard, they don't see me cry, I try to keep going like nothing is wrong for them.

I just wanted to give you all an update on how things are going. I will start posting again regularly.

I hope you are all safe and having a wonderful day wherever you are!!!!

never judge a book by the cover

I was on fb the other day and my cousin, who is supposed to be very religious, was ranting about how this child in the store was being verbally abusive to his mother and how she would have loved to "throat punch" this little 3 year old.

It got me to thinking about how my children all acted towards me because that is what they seen with their dad. How they would get away with murder and tell me what they were and weren't going to do.

I replied to her horrific post by saying " You don't know what that child see's at home, you have no idea if that is an abusive situation and that is what the lady goes through and that is what she has to put up with or get punished. I know that is how it was in my home when I was with my Oh so perfect ex."

The funny part is she had nothing else to say to that. I just wonder how many of us get judged by people who don't even know us, or how we are treated. While I am in a good relationship now, how many people out there had seen me and judged me on how my kids acted. I don't judge people because I don't know their personal journey, everyone's different.

I hope you all are safe and having a wonderful day

Christmas was actually good

I normally hate Christmas, everything about it, I hate wrapping the gifts and decorating. This year for some reason was really different, I went to the cemetery to see my dad by myself and I loved watching the kids open their gifts. My girlfriends parents came over for dinner for the first time I was so surprised. I didn't get much for the holiday but that is ok that is not what the holiday is about it is about my babies, They had a wonderful day!!!!

I hope everyone had as good of a Christmas as I did.

2 Steps Forward 3 Steps Back

I feel like no matter what I am doing I am always taking 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. If I am feeling happy for a week it feels like it takes me 3 weeks to get get out of a funk. I feel like I am falling into a deep dark hole and I don't know how I am going to get back out. I know I always feel this way but, I hate it so much. I felt on top of the world last week and now this week I want to crawl in a hole and die. It is really hard to shake this feeling, I hate it I wish I didn't have this problem anymore! I just want to be ok.

I am scared

In wake of what happened in CT on Friday I hugged my children a little tighter, all weekend. I was so scared to send them to school this morning. I wish I had the means to home school them but I just can't right now. I don't know how the parents feel, and I hope I never do, but I have been thinking of them all weekend and I will probably be thinking of them for a long time.

I know this isn't the first school shooting and sadly it probably won't be the last, but this one effected me like ones before it never could. I have school aged kids now and they are my life. I could not imagine someone coming in and taking them away from me. My heart breaks at just the thought of it. I don't know what is wrong with people anymore and I am scared of what each new day could bring.

I am sending all my love and thoughts to the families who were effected by the Ct school shooting.


I talked with my CSS today (community service specialist) she is someone who was appointed to help me getting out into the community, like going to the store, the doctor, and other everyday things. She told me that I am doing amazing that in the last month or two she has seen great improvement in me. I am so excited!!!! They haven't told me that in a long long time I started going backward, So now I am showing improvement.

I am excited to say that I feel like I am improving!!! I am starting to feel good about myself, I know there could possibly be a few steps back but I am trying and it feels good to know I made progress!!!

This post is probably all over the place but I am excited!!!!!


Bullying is something that happens everyday and there has been a lot of exposure on this subject. I would like to know how a close friend of mine has not been helped with the bullying that is happening to her daughter you might know this mom and her daughter she is the owner of Slap dash mom blog. Her daughter is Jenelle, and she has been bullied this whole school year non stop they are calling her all sorts of names and just being plain horrible. Sadie has contacted everyone she can think of and no one is doing a thing about it.

She recently found out that the teachers and staff at the school are laughing behind her back as well saying she is a fake and a phony because she continued to help out at school even after the bullying started.

What the hell is this school thinking allowing this to happen? What the hell is wrong with these so called adults to allow this wonderfully sweet child to be miserable and bullied everyday of school.

She used to love school and now she hates it and cries at the thought of going.

I don't know how many of my followers actually read this but if you do could you please go to Slap dash mom and please share this link she needs all the support she can get. Since no one else is helping!

Thank you for all your help in this, I believe this all goes along with abuse and in my personal opinion it is the worse kind.