I am having such a hard time with my PTSD

Fighting PTSD is horrible. It is always there, when you are awake, when you are asleep. It always has a hold on you and no matter what you do it is laying in wait to cause you stress. The flashbacks creep up on you when you least expect it, scaring you and making you look around every corner waiting for someone to jump out and get you.

I am in school right now for my Associate degree and I just got my grades in. I got two A's and a B I am so disappointed in myself it isn't even funny, but at the same time I keeping hearing Matt in my head "See I told you you couldn't do it You stupid bitch." and all sorts of other things and I can't get it to stop.

I am so tired of having this I know there isn't a cure you can just "manage it  better" which I think is a crock too but whatever. I hope to be ok someday...

The Holidays

Since today was Thanksgiving it got me thinking of all my past holidays and how they were bad. Today has been a wonderful day spent with Angel and my wonderful kids and my mom. My mom has never spent a Thanksgiving with me, it made the day perfect. She would avoid my house like the plague, today made me realize how bad it really was. My family claimed they didn't know I was abused, but why did they avoid me as much as they did? Why did they not come over? They come over to my house now...

This has shown me a whole new light. I don't know why they can't admit to knowing things were wrong with my life and marriage. I feel like they have lied to me for over 10 years and that they didn't care about me. I feel like they thought I was getting what I deserved. But why, what did I ever do in my life that would have me deserve the hell I went through. Was/am I that bad of a person that I "had it coming"? I don't know the answers to these questions and I don't know that I really want to know.

I guess the point of this post was you know I don't know what the point of this post was I guess I felt I needed to share these thoughts with you and that I needed someone to know this.
I have had a hard day flash backs and all but I think I have handled this day very well with out anyone noticing  that I was having trouble. I think I am getting better at hiding my flashbacks from everyone...

Tiptoeing around Matt

It seemed like I always had to watch what I said and did when it came to him, he was always in a really good mood or a really bad mood  but he was never just ok, we could never have a conversation that was normal it always was about me and the kids coming back or if I loved him. I didn't know how to handle it. I started having really bad nightmares and flash  backs. I thought it was a sign that I should be scared that he was going to come get me. I would flinch when Angel would go to touch me I was constantly on guard. Nothing I did made any of it  stop I knew I needed to get help I just didn't know how. I started researching therapy in my area and I found a really good place that I thought could help me with this. I didn't know what was wrong me and I thought I was going crazy.
I started seeing a therapist once a week and a psychiatrist once a month. I was told I had PTSD and severe anxiety. That was very hard for me to hear I thought I was weak because of it I thought these men had finally broken me in a way that wasn't fixable.
I stayed depressed and Angel was really worried about me. Matt was still relentless calling and texting me and   showing up at my house.
I was still at a loss. I was trying to figure out what was going on in my head and he was not helping at all. If anything he made it worse.
I felt trapped with no where to go.

moving in with angel

Angel and I moved in together, we decided to rent a small house it was two bedrooms and it was perfect for her I and the kids.
A few months after we moved in together the kids all came to me and told me they liked me a lot better now that I wasn't with daddy and that I didn't yell as much and that I was happy all the time and that the only time I was unhappy was when I had to deal with their dad. It made me so happy to hear that from my children, i was relieved that they seen a positive change and they were happy with the change. They told me they knew that daddy wasn't supposed to hit me and they were glad we didn't live with him anymore. They still wanted to see him but they didn't want to live there any more. then they started telling me how dad kept telling them that we were going to move back in with him and that I told him we were getting back together and that they didn't have to listen to angel and they could call her horrible names. I had to sit them down and explain that no we were not moving back in with their dad and no they couldn't be mean to Angel and yes they had to listen to her just like they would listen to any other adult. They were mad that their dad had lied to them and I did/do not talk bad about him in front or to them, I just explained to them that their dad was mistaken and he did want us to come back but no I was not going back there ever again.
Things were good for a while it seemed like Matt had moved on and I was so happy about that but then he started in on me with questions like when are you coming home? and do you still love me? and others like that I told him as best I could that no i was not coming back and I would always love him because he was my daughters father but no I was not in love with him.
Then it was like he snapped that is when he started having people watch me and stalk me. He would drive out of his way to drive past my house on his way to work at night. He would show up at my house in the morning after Angel left, I was scared but I didn't want to "poke the bear" by getting an order of protection so I started dealing with it in my own way and ignoring him and his actions.
He was angry all the time and I was scared I didn't know what to do so I called the police department and had them start patrolling my neighborhood. I felt lost,stuck and scared.

Letting go

This is not part of the on going story but it does have to do with me. I have been away from the abuse for almost three years, everyday is a huge struggle for me. I can't let go the of the pain it is always there it comes and goes as it pleases. I get triggered numerous times daily, I relive it every night in my dreams. I am trapped. I try to make myself better and it isn't working I try to tell my self I am ok and that I will be ok but I don't know if I can believe it anymore. I try so hard to be "normal" and go on about my life. I try to pretend none of the horrible stuff  has happened and  it doesn't matter. I have PTSD, and right now it has me and is not letting go. I am in fear daily of everything from the quietest noises to the loudest. I jump at my shadow my heart races every time my phone rings and I fear I am going to do something wrong no matter what it is. I try not to be like this but it isn't something I can just make go away even though I really wish I could. I feel bad all the time. I don't know how to deal with this anxiety alone and I don't want to bother anyone at the same time. so I feel stuck I feel lost in my own little world in my head where it is all horror and nightmares.

I just needed to get this out I needed it out of me. I admit I am not strong, but I hope to be someday. I just want my story to help I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I do. I want them to know they are not alone.

signs you are in an abusive relationship

Your Inner Thoughts and FeelingsYour Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Do you:
  • feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
  • avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
  • feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
  • believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
  • wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
  • feel emotionally numb or helpless? 
Does your partner:
  • humiliate or yell at you?
  • criticize you and put you down?
  • treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
  • ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
  • blame you for their own abusive behavior?
  • see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or ThreatsYour Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner:
  • have a bad and unpredictable temper?
  • hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you? 
  • threaten to take your children away or harm them?
  • threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
  • force you to have sex?
  • destroy your belongings?
Does your partner:
  • act excessively jealous and possessive?
  • control where you go or what you do?
  • keep you from seeing your friends or family?
  • limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
  • constantly check up on you?


I finally quit taking Matt to work, and he refused to help with the kids yes he would take them every other weekend but if it cost any money to do anything he wouldn't give me a dime. When he would take the kids I would have to bring food for them to eat. It was ridiculous because he made three times the money I did but I did it because the kids wanted to see their dad.
I tried to be civil until one day I was waiting at the bus stop to pick the kids up from school and he decided to show up drunk. Not just a little drunk but wasted.  He then began screaming at me and telling everyone at the bus stop that I was a lesbian and that I was a whore and all sorts of other things. Luckily they all knew I was with a woman and knew all about the reasons I had left him.
When the kids got off the bus the girls immediately ran up to him and he put them in his car before I could stop him. John luckily got in my car. I followed him back to his house and went inside to get my girls. That is when he decided to attack me in front of my children. He punched me in the nose and pulled me around the kitchen by my hair, all while telling my children that I made him do this and that this was all my fault.
The kids were scared and crying and didn't know what was going on. I finally got away and got the kids out to my car and we drove away.
The hardest part about it was not the physical fight it was in the car when my kids looked at me and said "mommy why did you make daddy so mad" my whole heart broke.  My kids actually thought this was all my fault they thought I made him hit me. I had to try to explain to them that it wasn't my fault and I had to explain to them that we don't hit when we are angry and that is what daddy was doing, he was angry so he hit me.
I went to bed crying that night. I still look back and think wow I can't believe they thought it was my fault.
They do know now it isn't my fault when he gets mad.
I make it a point not to talk about him poorly around my children. They are seeing with their own eyes, as much as it pains me he is showing his true colors all on his own and they are seeing it. He no longer takes the kids on the weekend. Hell he never takes them at all. They don't even want to go over there. But that is a whole other story all on it's own and I am getting ahead of myself.
Thank you to everyone who has read this and who continue to follow this blog, again this is a true story it is my story and it is very hard to write I just hope it can help someone, anyone.