Death ( not mine in general)

Today would have been my dads birthday he would have been 55 today. He died when I was 14 of a heart attack. I have and still do beat myself up about the day he died. I was a horrible teenager and I knew how to throw hateful words around.

My last words to the man who raised me, the man I call my dad, were I hate you. I feel horrible still to this day and I am 28. Those are words you can never take back those are words that for some people cut so deep they cannot be taken back or forgiven. Don't get me wrong I know my dad loved me and that he forgives me, but I feel horrible for uttering those three little horrible words.

This is what got me thinking of death and the feelings that come with it. For those people who believe in God and all other higher powers, not saying I don't so don't get me wrong. I am just wondering if when people die if they are going to a better place why are we, as people in general, so sad and why do some of us hang on to that sadness for such a long time? I know my dad is in a better place and I know he is fishing and doing things he loved to do but why am I so sad he isn't here, in this horrible place on earth?

Life here in America is scary right now, well life in general right now is scary not just America, but that is where I live so... Why am I so sad that he isn't here, to struggle and be miserable with the rest of us. I guess it is selfishness on my part that wants him here. I don't remember what his voice sounds like or what his laugh sounds like. Sometimes I forget what he looks like. I think me losing my dad scared me in a way that I didn't know I could be scared. My brother and sister dealt with his death like champs they don't dwell on it like I do. I do to his grave multiple times a year and there are sometimes I can just sit and talk for hours. I don't do that so much anymore but I could if I had the time. I know he isn't there and he, with his sense of humor is probably laughing at me but that is ok he can laugh all he wants. It makes me feel better to know he was not alone for those moments. I guess that is part of my problem I don't want him to be alone. That seems funny too if I don't believe he is there how is he alone.

I know a lot of this probably doesn't make a bit of sense but to me it is a bunch a questions I have why does death have to be so complicated? Your sad they are gone but you are happy they are in a better place but even though they are in that better place you are still sad wishing they were here on earth with you.

OK ramble over that is just what I am thinking of today. So of the messed up thoughts in this messed up girls head!

I hope you all are having great days!!!!

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