I am sorry I have been away for a while I have been fighting with depression and the PTSD and sadly it was a war I think I was losing. I am doing a little better now, but I am still fighting daily.
You haven't missed much except for the fact that I got kicked out of school, then I lost my house. I keep thinking that things can't get any worse, and then they do.
I am keeping my head up though I have to for my three wonderful children, it is hard, they don't see me cry, I try to keep going like nothing is wrong for them.
I just wanted to give you all an update on how things are going. I will start posting again regularly.
I hope you are all safe and having a wonderful day wherever you are!!!!
never judge a book by the cover
I was on fb the other day and my cousin, who is supposed to be very religious, was ranting about how this child in the store was being verbally abusive to his mother and how she would have loved to "throat punch" this little 3 year old.
It got me to thinking about how my children all acted towards me because that is what they seen with their dad. How they would get away with murder and tell me what they were and weren't going to do.
I replied to her horrific post by saying " You don't know what that child see's at home, you have no idea if that is an abusive situation and that is what the lady goes through and that is what she has to put up with or get punished. I know that is how it was in my home when I was with my Oh so perfect ex."
The funny part is she had nothing else to say to that. I just wonder how many of us get judged by people who don't even know us, or how we are treated. While I am in a good relationship now, how many people out there had seen me and judged me on how my kids acted. I don't judge people because I don't know their personal journey, everyone's different.
I hope you all are safe and having a wonderful day
It got me to thinking about how my children all acted towards me because that is what they seen with their dad. How they would get away with murder and tell me what they were and weren't going to do.
I replied to her horrific post by saying " You don't know what that child see's at home, you have no idea if that is an abusive situation and that is what the lady goes through and that is what she has to put up with or get punished. I know that is how it was in my home when I was with my Oh so perfect ex."
The funny part is she had nothing else to say to that. I just wonder how many of us get judged by people who don't even know us, or how we are treated. While I am in a good relationship now, how many people out there had seen me and judged me on how my kids acted. I don't judge people because I don't know their personal journey, everyone's different.
I hope you all are safe and having a wonderful day
Christmas was actually good
I normally hate Christmas, everything about it, I hate wrapping the gifts and decorating. This year for some reason was really different, I went to the cemetery to see my dad by myself and I loved watching the kids open their gifts. My girlfriends parents came over for dinner for the first time I was so surprised. I didn't get much for the holiday but that is ok that is not what the holiday is about it is about my babies, They had a wonderful day!!!!
I hope everyone had as good of a Christmas as I did.
I hope everyone had as good of a Christmas as I did.
2 Steps Forward 3 Steps Back
I feel like no matter what I am doing I am always taking 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. If I am feeling happy for a week it feels like it takes me 3 weeks to get get out of a funk. I feel like I am falling into a deep dark hole and I don't know how I am going to get back out. I know I always feel this way but, I hate it so much. I felt on top of the world last week and now this week I want to crawl in a hole and die. It is really hard to shake this feeling, I hate it I wish I didn't have this problem anymore! I just want to be ok.
I am scared
In wake of what happened in CT on Friday I hugged my children a little tighter, all weekend. I was so scared to send them to school this morning. I wish I had the means to home school them but I just can't right now. I don't know how the parents feel, and I hope I never do, but I have been thinking of them all weekend and I will probably be thinking of them for a long time.
I know this isn't the first school shooting and sadly it probably won't be the last, but this one effected me like ones before it never could. I have school aged kids now and they are my life. I could not imagine someone coming in and taking them away from me. My heart breaks at just the thought of it. I don't know what is wrong with people anymore and I am scared of what each new day could bring.
I am sending all my love and thoughts to the families who were effected by the Ct school shooting.
I know this isn't the first school shooting and sadly it probably won't be the last, but this one effected me like ones before it never could. I have school aged kids now and they are my life. I could not imagine someone coming in and taking them away from me. My heart breaks at just the thought of it. I don't know what is wrong with people anymore and I am scared of what each new day could bring.
I am sending all my love and thoughts to the families who were effected by the Ct school shooting.
YAY
I talked with my CSS today (community service specialist) she is someone who was appointed to help me getting out into the community, like going to the store, the doctor, and other everyday things. She told me that I am doing amazing that in the last month or two she has seen great improvement in me. I am so excited!!!! They haven't told me that in a long long time I started going backward, So now I am showing improvement.
I am excited to say that I feel like I am improving!!! I am starting to feel good about myself, I know there could possibly be a few steps back but I am trying and it feels good to know I made progress!!!
This post is probably all over the place but I am excited!!!!!
I am excited to say that I feel like I am improving!!! I am starting to feel good about myself, I know there could possibly be a few steps back but I am trying and it feels good to know I made progress!!!
This post is probably all over the place but I am excited!!!!!
bullying
Bullying is something that happens everyday and there has been a lot of exposure on this subject. I would like to know how a close friend of mine has not been helped with the bullying that is happening to her daughter you might know this mom and her daughter she is the owner of Slap dash mom blog. Her daughter is Jenelle, and she has been bullied this whole school year non stop they are calling her all sorts of names and just being plain horrible. Sadie has contacted everyone she can think of and no one is doing a thing about it.
She recently found out that the teachers and staff at the school are laughing behind her back as well saying she is a fake and a phony because she continued to help out at school even after the bullying started.
What the hell is this school thinking allowing this to happen? What the hell is wrong with these so called adults to allow this wonderfully sweet child to be miserable and bullied everyday of school.
She used to love school and now she hates it and cries at the thought of going.
I don't know how many of my followers actually read this but if you do could you please go to Slap dash mom and please share this link she needs all the support she can get. Since no one else is helping!
Thank you for all your help in this, I believe this all goes along with abuse and in my personal opinion it is the worse kind.
She recently found out that the teachers and staff at the school are laughing behind her back as well saying she is a fake and a phony because she continued to help out at school even after the bullying started.
What the hell is this school thinking allowing this to happen? What the hell is wrong with these so called adults to allow this wonderfully sweet child to be miserable and bullied everyday of school.
She used to love school and now she hates it and cries at the thought of going.
I don't know how many of my followers actually read this but if you do could you please go to Slap dash mom and please share this link she needs all the support she can get. Since no one else is helping!
Thank you for all your help in this, I believe this all goes along with abuse and in my personal opinion it is the worse kind.
Jaded
I hate to be so jaded that I cannot trust anyone. My supposed best friend betrayed me in a way I have never been before, I have a lot of problems, I am a cutter and I am super depressed. I tried to kill myself a few months back I took 48 sleeping pills but before I could swallow them my girlfriend and supposed best friend walked in and made me spit them out (forcefully). Well exbf decided, for what reason I don't know, to take a picture of it. Then at some point I don't know if I was sleep or what but she decided to take a picture of the fresh cuts on my legs. She then went to school where we both attended and not only told EVERYONE what happened but showed them all the pictures she took. I had been on a leave of absence at the time so I had no idea she had done this. When I went back to school everyone was talking about it and asking me about it. I was humiliated no one there knew my personal business, they only knew the basics about me, my name that I had kids and that I was gay, that is it. I didn't feel they needed to know anything else. It caused me a lot of emotional trauma and set me back a little so I missed some school. Well she also told everyone I wasn't coming back to school so the director of the school decided to terminate me.
I am so hurt by all of this and on top of it my girlfriend is still talking to my exfriend I am in total shock. I got a phone call from my girlfriend today asking if I was going to be home soon because ex friend was coming over and she didn't want me to be there. WHAT?!?!?!?!? that is my house I will be there if I want she is the one who isn't allowed there, I am so hurt and confused right now I don't even know what to do.
I am so hurt by all of this and on top of it my girlfriend is still talking to my exfriend I am in total shock. I got a phone call from my girlfriend today asking if I was going to be home soon because ex friend was coming over and she didn't want me to be there. WHAT?!?!?!?!? that is my house I will be there if I want she is the one who isn't allowed there, I am so hurt and confused right now I don't even know what to do.
The Trouble with Funny Stories
So the thing about funny stories is, if you ever notice, most of the time someone is getting hurt...
Well in my last post "Funny Story" I fell with my son, I thought I was ok, just a little bruised and sore. Oh no that is not all I took the kids out last night to trick or treat and realized just how badly I am actually hurt. My back is out and my hips hurt so bad it isn't even funny. At times the pain is so bad it causes flashbacks. Don't get me wrong it is still funny, but omg I am in so much pain. I will not be picking up anymore of my children anymore they are all too old for me to be holding them, the youngest is gonna be 9. I do miss holding them like babies but I have to realize that I just can't do that anymore. lol
So moral of the story every funny story has some kind of pain, lol.
I hope everyone is having a great day!!!
Well in my last post "Funny Story" I fell with my son, I thought I was ok, just a little bruised and sore. Oh no that is not all I took the kids out last night to trick or treat and realized just how badly I am actually hurt. My back is out and my hips hurt so bad it isn't even funny. At times the pain is so bad it causes flashbacks. Don't get me wrong it is still funny, but omg I am in so much pain. I will not be picking up anymore of my children anymore they are all too old for me to be holding them, the youngest is gonna be 9. I do miss holding them like babies but I have to realize that I just can't do that anymore. lol
So moral of the story every funny story has some kind of pain, lol.
I hope everyone is having a great day!!!
Funny Story!!!
Yesterday was my sons birthday he turned 12, weeeeeeelllllllll being the wonderful mom I am I decided to embarrass him at the bus stop by picking him up like a baby and singing happy birthday obnoxiously loud! ( I know, I know not cool)
So last night I was showing my girlfriend what I did and I picked my son up again, I was off balance, she didn't know it, she pulled my sons foot and I started to fall. Not wanting to drop my son I held him closer so I took the brunt of the fall, where I hit my hip, messing up my hips and back, then his knee jacks me in the jaw uppercut style. I cannot move my mouth much and I have a bruise the size of Texas on my hip/leg area, and my back hurts soooooo bad.
Moral of the story DO NOT do things to willingly embarrass your children you will get paid back for it in the end.
I think the best part of it all was my son was worried about me and I was worried about him, so while I was making sure he was ok he was doing the same. I know he is only 12 but he is showing signs of being and amazing little man, I am a proud momma.
Today I cannot tell you the times he asked me if I was ok. He is awesome...
That is my funny story, Hope you all are being safe if you are on the east coast and I hope you all are doing well!!!!
So last night I was showing my girlfriend what I did and I picked my son up again, I was off balance, she didn't know it, she pulled my sons foot and I started to fall. Not wanting to drop my son I held him closer so I took the brunt of the fall, where I hit my hip, messing up my hips and back, then his knee jacks me in the jaw uppercut style. I cannot move my mouth much and I have a bruise the size of Texas on my hip/leg area, and my back hurts soooooo bad.
Moral of the story DO NOT do things to willingly embarrass your children you will get paid back for it in the end.
I think the best part of it all was my son was worried about me and I was worried about him, so while I was making sure he was ok he was doing the same. I know he is only 12 but he is showing signs of being and amazing little man, I am a proud momma.
Today I cannot tell you the times he asked me if I was ok. He is awesome...
That is my funny story, Hope you all are being safe if you are on the east coast and I hope you all are doing well!!!!
I have been thinking
I took in someone who is trying to get off heroin, she is a very young sweet girl. She has been with me for two days and she is getting better everyday which I am so proud of.
Today I left here a note on her pillow when she went to work, yes she has a full time job, that just plainly stated I was proud of her and that I believed in her. To me, not thinking, it was no big deal, but I made her whole day the look on her face when she found it was amazing.
So on to my thought if everyone took time out of their day just to pass on a little bit of kindness this world would go so far. To me it didn't mean much but to her it made her whole day. You never know how far a smile will travel or even a simple kind word. It is just something to think about. I know this isn't a huge blight or anything, hell I don't know how many people actually read it but for those that do or should really give you something to think about.
A smile doesn't cost a thing, a simple thank you doesn't either.
I hope you all have a great day wherever you are. :)
Helping others
It seems like when I am at lowest point I find someone who needs help.more than I do, and it always makes me realize that if I wasn't here they wouldn't be either.
These people always have something I can do to help whether it is just a place to sleep for the night or help getting off a horrible kind of drug. I am no kind of therapist or counselor bit these people listen to my advise and do what I ask of them, and at the end it makes me happy to know that I made even a small difference in that persons life and like maybe I am here for a reason.
Right now I have a friend who is trying to stop heroin, she is going on day 4 of cold turkey quitting. I am so proud of her. We really aren't that good of friend so I really don't know why she came to me but I am so glad she did, I have sat and talked to her through her pain, held her and rocked her when she has thought she couldn't do it, and I wonder to myself why can't o do this for myself. How is it so easy to help.others when I cannot even help myself. I know everyone is here for a reason I really thought mine was here to do hair, but then I realized tonight while telling this girl she can do this and the she is amazing that I do help, I may not.be helping hundreds of people but I do make a small difference in some peoples lives.
I just want all of you to know that you.may not know what it is yet but you are destined for great things, so don't give up yet. I know I will have my moments still but realizing that I can help someone is a great feeling.
I hope you are having a wonderful day wherever you are.
I cut again
I am having a lot of trouble right now with self harm. I have been cutting more and more each day. Last night I probably should have gone and gotten stitched up but I went to bed instead.
I really wish this depression would go away, I just don't know.if.I can shake.it.this.time and believe.me I am trying.
I just thought I would let everyone know what was going on with.
My thoughts on dealing with depression after abuse
I have a hard time with depression.
There I said it, it is a very hard thing for me to admit, I used to not be allowed to have emotions, I couldn't cry because if I did it was weak, I couldn't be mad because it was just not allowed in that house, unless you were him. I still have trouble crying or letting people see me cry or even having people know I have been crying. I cry alone.
I have been very depressed these last two weeks and the bad part is I can't even say why. Here lately though it has been very hard to deal with, I just want to curl and in ball and let life go, I don't want to do anything or go anywhere, I would be content to just lay in bed and cry alone everyday all day.
Dealing with depression is very hard and if you are dealing with it like I am please seek help I know it is hard to admit that you need help with depression, and you probably think it will just go away on it's own, well it could, but it probably won't. It is a very dangerous thing. I can't tell you the number of times I have thought about killing myself in these last few weeks, I want to cut and I have, I am not proud of it but I have.
Talking about it is hard but really everyone needs help every once in a while so don't be afraid to ask for it. I talked to my best friend last night and told him (yes him, the only guy I trust) I was really depressed and he listened and talked to me about it. Talking about it really isn't bad, admitting that you are depressed doesn't make you weak it makes you stronger, and I think after talking about it for a while makes it easier.
Soooo after all my rambling, sorry, I want to tell you all to please seek help from some one anyone, a friend, a family member, or even find a counselor to help. It might save your life.
I hope everyone is having a wonderful day, I know I am TRYING to bring my day up.
There I said it, it is a very hard thing for me to admit, I used to not be allowed to have emotions, I couldn't cry because if I did it was weak, I couldn't be mad because it was just not allowed in that house, unless you were him. I still have trouble crying or letting people see me cry or even having people know I have been crying. I cry alone.
I have been very depressed these last two weeks and the bad part is I can't even say why. Here lately though it has been very hard to deal with, I just want to curl and in ball and let life go, I don't want to do anything or go anywhere, I would be content to just lay in bed and cry alone everyday all day.
Dealing with depression is very hard and if you are dealing with it like I am please seek help I know it is hard to admit that you need help with depression, and you probably think it will just go away on it's own, well it could, but it probably won't. It is a very dangerous thing. I can't tell you the number of times I have thought about killing myself in these last few weeks, I want to cut and I have, I am not proud of it but I have.
Talking about it is hard but really everyone needs help every once in a while so don't be afraid to ask for it. I talked to my best friend last night and told him (yes him, the only guy I trust) I was really depressed and he listened and talked to me about it. Talking about it really isn't bad, admitting that you are depressed doesn't make you weak it makes you stronger, and I think after talking about it for a while makes it easier.
Soooo after all my rambling, sorry, I want to tell you all to please seek help from some one anyone, a friend, a family member, or even find a counselor to help. It might save your life.
I hope everyone is having a wonderful day, I know I am TRYING to bring my day up.
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