I have been very high strung lately and I have had a horrible bout with my depression.
I probably should have gone to the nut hut but I tried to fix it myself. I am still having a lot of trouble so i thought I would come here and write a little bit hopefully it will help me a little.
I have cut my legs so badly that I don't even know if I will be able to ever wear shorts again. I tried to slit my wrist but I could find the courage to press down hard enough to get the job done (thankfully). I have been having horrible flashbacks and nothing is helping to stop them. I am not sleeping well at all because of the nightmares which is adding so much more stress on top of every thing. I don't know what to do anymore I don't know how much longer I can handle the PTSD I just don't know or trust myself right now. I hope I figure it out soon.
I am sorry you had to read my rambling writing I just don't know what to do anymore.
I hope you all are having a wonderful day, night or morning!
I am sure I will be ok soon, I just have to try to stay positive and sometimes it is harder than others, right now I am just having trouble staying positive!!
It feels like everything is falling apart
I was doing really well I was happy and joyful and I loved my life. Now all of the sudden I don't want to talk to anyone I don't want to do anything I haven't even been to school in over a week. I feel miserable and lost.
I keep having a horrible flashbacks that I can't make go away, I was stuck in a three hour long flashback and I couldn't make it stop now they are happening all the time and the only way I am ok is if I am sleeping and even that isn't helping all the time because I am having horrible nightmares, I hate the so called men that did this to me I hate them with everything in me I hate that I feel afraid of my shadow I hate that I am scared.
I know I am just rambling but I really had to just get this out of me I had to find a way to let it go and I am hoping this is the way to get the letting go process started I thought it already had started but apparently it wanted to come back.
I keep having a horrible flashbacks that I can't make go away, I was stuck in a three hour long flashback and I couldn't make it stop now they are happening all the time and the only way I am ok is if I am sleeping and even that isn't helping all the time because I am having horrible nightmares, I hate the so called men that did this to me I hate them with everything in me I hate that I feel afraid of my shadow I hate that I am scared.
I know I am just rambling but I really had to just get this out of me I had to find a way to let it go and I am hoping this is the way to get the letting go process started I thought it already had started but apparently it wanted to come back.
Should old acquaintance be forgot
I wish it were that easy to forget someone.
I try so hard to forget the "men" that hurt me but I can't they are the fathers of my children. I wish it was easy to just banish someone from your thoughts but it's not that simple in my case I have to deal with these men on a regular basis.
I am feeling a little bitter today on the last day of the year. My ex (Matt) has the nerve to question my parenting ability when he has only seen his child a handful of times in one year.
I am so tired of him trying to control me when I haven't been around him for 3 years. I want to forget him, I want to forget everything about him.
Then there is Tim and he is just a pathetic waste of man. He screws up and expects everyone to feel sorry for him. He gets in trouble and everyone is supposed to drop everything and bow down to what he needs.
These are people I wish I could forget, but in all reality I don't think that would help me I think if I could forget everything they have done to me I would finally be ok. I want to forget the abuse and the horrible names and the pain. I don't want to wake up at night crying and I don't want to wake up scared to move for fear they followed me out of my dream. I want to be able to walk into a store and not think one of them are going to get me. I want to be able to drive and not worry that they are following me.
I will old acquaintances could be forgotten or old abusers could be forgotten. That would be wonderful for the New Year.
I hope everyone has a safe and Happy New Years Eve!!!!!
I try so hard to forget the "men" that hurt me but I can't they are the fathers of my children. I wish it was easy to just banish someone from your thoughts but it's not that simple in my case I have to deal with these men on a regular basis.
I am feeling a little bitter today on the last day of the year. My ex (Matt) has the nerve to question my parenting ability when he has only seen his child a handful of times in one year.
I am so tired of him trying to control me when I haven't been around him for 3 years. I want to forget him, I want to forget everything about him.
Then there is Tim and he is just a pathetic waste of man. He screws up and expects everyone to feel sorry for him. He gets in trouble and everyone is supposed to drop everything and bow down to what he needs.
These are people I wish I could forget, but in all reality I don't think that would help me I think if I could forget everything they have done to me I would finally be ok. I want to forget the abuse and the horrible names and the pain. I don't want to wake up at night crying and I don't want to wake up scared to move for fear they followed me out of my dream. I want to be able to walk into a store and not think one of them are going to get me. I want to be able to drive and not worry that they are following me.
I will old acquaintances could be forgotten or old abusers could be forgotten. That would be wonderful for the New Year.
I hope everyone has a safe and Happy New Years Eve!!!!!
Christmas is over!!!!!!!!
YAY!!! Christmas is over every thing is taken down and I am done with the holiday!!!! I am what most people would call a Grinch I hate Christmas, or so I thought I did.
It is funny how when your situation changes your perspective on things change with it. No I didn't come into a bunch of money I am actually poorer than I have ever been. What changed were the people around me. I have a wonderful significant other and I have my wonderful children. I am slowly starting to love Christmas again. I did take all my decorations down already, but that is only because I hate the clutter.
I used to hate Christmas and everything that came with it. I hated shopping and I especially hated wrapping the gifts and I hated the decorations. I just Hated it with a capitol H.
This year I noticed something thing though, I noticed that it didn't really bother me to put the decorations up, I actually caught myself smiling, I was excited about shopping for the kids. Whao! What the hell is happening to me? "Santa" even put stockings up a day early... What does this mean? is my heart growing bigger. Am I not so Grinch like?
It then dawned on me. I am in a completely different situation. I love my life now I love my partner. I have an amazing job and I love going to school. OMG!!!! I am actually happy for once in my life.
It may not be important to anyone but me, but I thought I would share. It is wonderful to me to know my heart is healing and that one day everything will be ok.
It is funny how when your situation changes your perspective on things change with it. No I didn't come into a bunch of money I am actually poorer than I have ever been. What changed were the people around me. I have a wonderful significant other and I have my wonderful children. I am slowly starting to love Christmas again. I did take all my decorations down already, but that is only because I hate the clutter.
I used to hate Christmas and everything that came with it. I hated shopping and I especially hated wrapping the gifts and I hated the decorations. I just Hated it with a capitol H.
This year I noticed something thing though, I noticed that it didn't really bother me to put the decorations up, I actually caught myself smiling, I was excited about shopping for the kids. Whao! What the hell is happening to me? "Santa" even put stockings up a day early... What does this mean? is my heart growing bigger. Am I not so Grinch like?
It then dawned on me. I am in a completely different situation. I love my life now I love my partner. I have an amazing job and I love going to school. OMG!!!! I am actually happy for once in my life.
It may not be important to anyone but me, but I thought I would share. It is wonderful to me to know my heart is healing and that one day everything will be ok.
Christmas
It's that time of year when everyone should be feeling happy and in the spirit, but me I feel like the Grinch.
I am celebrating Christmas for my children and that is it.
I think it is funny my family wanted to celebrate with me when things were horrible in my life and I was with abusive assholes. They wanted to spend their holidays at my house or us at theirs. Now my whole family wants to do their own thing and has wanted to do it since Angel and I got together and I just don't understand why now they want to do their own thing.
When I was with Matt they all wanted to come to my house not knowing that if things didn't look perfect to him after the party I got screamed at and abused. None of it makes sense to me.
I am happier than I have ever been and I am in a great relationship and no one wants to get together.
They have all given up every family tradition we had and I just don't understand why.
I guess I will keep as I have been pretending to be happy about all of their plans and go on about my day.
I hope you all have a wonderful holiday no matter what you celebrate.
I am celebrating Christmas for my children and that is it.
I think it is funny my family wanted to celebrate with me when things were horrible in my life and I was with abusive assholes. They wanted to spend their holidays at my house or us at theirs. Now my whole family wants to do their own thing and has wanted to do it since Angel and I got together and I just don't understand why now they want to do their own thing.
When I was with Matt they all wanted to come to my house not knowing that if things didn't look perfect to him after the party I got screamed at and abused. None of it makes sense to me.
I am happier than I have ever been and I am in a great relationship and no one wants to get together.
They have all given up every family tradition we had and I just don't understand why.
I guess I will keep as I have been pretending to be happy about all of their plans and go on about my day.
I hope you all have a wonderful holiday no matter what you celebrate.
The abuse continues.
You would think with me being away and on my own for as long as I have been he would realize I am not coming back. But oh no he calls and text messages me everyday. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't at least hear from him once.
Some days it is him swearing I am coming back to him and he is offering to buy me a new house and car and all kinds of pretty shiny things. Other days it is him telling me how I am a horrible mother and that I am a worthless whore. Then there are the days when he wants to talk calmly about a divorce.
I don't know what to think of him anymore I have honestly thought of having him committed it in the loony bin. I wish I could or I wish he would just move on and leave me alone but I don't think that will ever happen for me I think I am bound to live the rest of my life miserable with his torment.
Sometimes I am really tired of this life. My friends don't realize that sometime I don't even want to leave my house and some people who think they are my close friends don't even know the real me. I don't want them to know the real me I don't want them to know everything I have gone through and I don't want them to know the things I still go through. It is hard enough for me having Angel know without everyone else knowing.
I know this is kind of rambling I just kinda needed to get it out of my system today. So I thought here would be the best place to do it...
Some days it is him swearing I am coming back to him and he is offering to buy me a new house and car and all kinds of pretty shiny things. Other days it is him telling me how I am a horrible mother and that I am a worthless whore. Then there are the days when he wants to talk calmly about a divorce.
I don't know what to think of him anymore I have honestly thought of having him committed it in the loony bin. I wish I could or I wish he would just move on and leave me alone but I don't think that will ever happen for me I think I am bound to live the rest of my life miserable with his torment.
Sometimes I am really tired of this life. My friends don't realize that sometime I don't even want to leave my house and some people who think they are my close friends don't even know the real me. I don't want them to know the real me I don't want them to know everything I have gone through and I don't want them to know the things I still go through. It is hard enough for me having Angel know without everyone else knowing.
I know this is kind of rambling I just kinda needed to get it out of my system today. So I thought here would be the best place to do it...
The last few weeks have been really hard for me...
PTSD rears it's ugly head. I have had some horrible night mares these last few weeks and it is always me reliving past events. It is always the abuse over and over again. They have been so bad that I have woken up violently sick.
It is and has been the same dream me getting the life choked out of me by Matt. You can see the joy on his face as he does this to me. He is smiling as he chokes me. I can feel it as it happens and I wake up gasping for air. It is horrible, and there is nothing I can do about it.
I feel like I am taking steps back, it feels like the the PTSD is getting worse and I can't keep living like this. I love my life but I hate the things I see in my head and the things I have to relive everyday.
I hate how these men have control over me still how they have control over my mind. They cannot control my actions but they control how I view life now. I am scared to leave my house some days and I am scared to go into crowded stores for fear that they are there, I hate to drive in traffic for fear a horrible flash back will grab me.
I hate these feelings I hate feeling like this...
I am trying everyday to get better I can only hope I will start to be able to manage myself better but I don't know if that will ever happen. But I am hopeful.
It is and has been the same dream me getting the life choked out of me by Matt. You can see the joy on his face as he does this to me. He is smiling as he chokes me. I can feel it as it happens and I wake up gasping for air. It is horrible, and there is nothing I can do about it.
I feel like I am taking steps back, it feels like the the PTSD is getting worse and I can't keep living like this. I love my life but I hate the things I see in my head and the things I have to relive everyday.
I hate how these men have control over me still how they have control over my mind. They cannot control my actions but they control how I view life now. I am scared to leave my house some days and I am scared to go into crowded stores for fear that they are there, I hate to drive in traffic for fear a horrible flash back will grab me.
I hate these feelings I hate feeling like this...
I am trying everyday to get better I can only hope I will start to be able to manage myself better but I don't know if that will ever happen. But I am hopeful.
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