The Last Few Months

 I have had a lot of trouble these last few months, I don't want to leave my house and when I do it is because I either have something I can't get out of doing, like going to the store or other important things like that, or because I am being drug out of the house by friends. I don't want to talk to anyone and I don't want to let anyone in.
I am tired of this I am tired of being scared everyday and I am tired of it all getting worse and worse everyday. I don't think I will ever get better. I think I will be scared forever. I hate that people that used to be in my life still has this much control over me. I wish they didn't but they do and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
I have tried all the breathing techniques the doctors have given me and I have tried mindful reassurance and it doesn't work for me and I so badly want it to work. I want to be the old me who isn't afraid of anything ,
I know I keep saying this I know it is probably getting old to hear it but it is part of the PTSD and I wonder if it will ever get better.
I feel like lately it has gotten so bad that I don't know what to do with myself anymore what I should do or even where I should go or even if I should live this horrid life anymore.
I don't spend as much time with my children as I would like because I don't want them to see this mommy they need the confident mommy I used to be, but I don't know if I can be that person anymore I don't know who I am or even who I am going to be. All I do know is I am scared, terrified really and I hate that feeling.


Sorry for my rambling I just had to get that out and let everyone know that if you are going through what I am I truly am sorry and all you have to do is email me I will listen and I will talk with you about what ever you want.

I hope everyone is wonderful where ever you may be.

Someone that I used to know

I think it is sad when a relationship starts out great and then it turns horrible. It is hard when you are looking back thinking what did I do what did I say could I have changed anything that wouldn’t make him mean to me. I still ask myself and I am been away for almost 3 years. I ask myself all the time what I did wrong, everyone tells me it was nothing I did but I still feel sometimes it was my fault.

When I have a horrible flashback I think afterward was that something I could have prevented? Was there something I could have done to change that? Is the reason I am having these flashbacks because I could have changed something.

I know it was him but sometimes I blame me and I know I shouldn’t but I do. I just think to myself that he is just someone I used to know, he changed so drastically. He is always drunk and he is so mean when he is drunk and he tries to be mean to me still, but I don’t allow it anymore. I just tell myself I wonder what happened to him and where did the man who is the father of my daughter go.

Forgotten Things

            Have you ever forgotten something or kinda just blocked it out of your mind? I have found myself more and more blocking things from my mind, but the bad part is that before I have put some of these things out of my mind I have talked about them and told people certain things and then later when they talk about them I have no idea what they are talking about.

            Like today for instance my partner starts talking about a movie I told her about when we first got together when we first talked about it I told her about other movies that I own and love but Why this one movie can I not remember or even seem to know about it? I remember talking about the other movies I remember that I love those movies but this one movie I cannot remember.  My partner says that I told her that I watched it with my ex so I wonder if it is something that I blocked out, but I am wondering what had happened so bad that I would block out a movie.

            I know I block many things I do not want to remember out but some things I wonder why in the world I would block those simple things out. I think it is funny how the brain works and how the memory can block things you don’t want to remember.

I will still fill you all in on the whole story

The flashbacks are hard to take. They shake me to the core. I have recently read through all my posts and I know I have left a lot out. I know in a previous post I said I would go back and fill in the blanks.

            I haven’t filled in the holes yet because I am trying to sift through things in my head about how I am going to add them in I don’t know if I should just edit old posts or make new posts with a title saying this is an add in that goes with the original post XXX. I will figure it out and I promise to finish telling you all the 

Eye's are the windows to the soul

When I used to look in his (Matt) eyes there was nothing there when I say nothing, I mean they were empty. The only time I saw something there was when he was being really mean and then there was just this evil that I can’t even begin to explain. It would take my breath away every time I saw it.

I see that in my sleep now I see it when I get scared those horribly evil eyes are everywhere I can’t seem to get away from them. There is no escape for me, I feel. I think I will always see those eyes, I will always feel the same horror every time I see them I worry I will always be scared.

I used to wish for the days I would see nothing I didn’t even want to see love in those eyes because I know there was none at all. He hated  me for reasons I still don’t know and don’t know if I will ever know and that is ok I don’t really care to know what I ever did to that man to make him hate me like he does/did.

I fear that when I look into anyone’s eyes I will see that same evil and I think if I ever see it in another person I may die of fright. Some people may know what I am talking about and some might not but if you do you know exactly what I mean and how scary those evil eyes are.

They say that eyes are the window to the soul and I wonder if maybe that was all that was in his soul was darkness and hatred. I have hope that one day I will not see them anymore, I just need to keep the hope alive I have had a lot of that here lately and I guess I just need hope and then maybe I will be ok, someday.

Broken Mirror

Sometimes I feel like a broken mirror and I am fighting to put myself back together. When I almost get all the little pieces back together I seem to drop on of the smaller pieces and because I have to fix that one too, I feel like I will always be this broken mirror lying on the floor.

            Not all the time but sometimes I stand up and look at all the progress I have made and realize that maybe I will be ok and I am not as broken as I thought, but when I am right there working on it I feel like I am never going to finish and it hurts to know that I am this broken and I wonder if I will ever be ok.

            I know I will never be the same me and I will have chips and even cracks but I think and hope one day I will feel whole again that I won’t feel the pain as much. Don’t get me wrong I know the pain will always be there it won’t ever just go away, that would be too much to ask for, but one day it won’t be as hard as it seems to be right now.

            I miss the carefree un broken me, but I will never be that innocent girl anymore. I will forever be this woman with knowledge that I wish no one else had to feel and these memories that will never go away, a woman who will forever have pain because of bones that have been broken and pain in my back because of too many kidney punches. But that is ok that is the past now, it will never be my future.

            I am glad I am the person I have become I like the new me but I wish I didn’t know and hadn’t experienced some of the things I have. And   I wish I didn’t have to live through the worst moments in my life as often as I do. But I have hope and I guess that is all I should hang on to right now.

I find tattoo's very therapeutic

So I now have 5 tattoo's three of which I got in the last month and to some that is a problem that I like the pain. Well it keeps me from cutting myself. I don't like to hurt myself and if I can put something on my body that is pretty and get the same result I don't see the harm in it. I may be wrong but I like tattoo's too not just because of the pain. There are people out there who are perfectly sane and they love the pain that comes with them but if you have some sort of mental illness then it is wrong to want to get them.

I am still going off my last post because it is still bothering me that is the only reason I could think of for her wanting to lock me in the nut hut.


So if anyone is reading this please leave a comment with your thoughts. I don't normally ask people to comment but I am really curious as to what you all think...

I hope you all are having a wonderful day where ever you are!