I guess I didn't realize how bad I had it till now

I have almost quit sleeping entirely I sleep only about a half hour at a time, when I try to go back to sleep it takes me an hour. I wake up screaming every night now, I can't sleep at night because I am so sure they are coming to get me. During the day I hate to be out in public just in case they are there or someone who knows them is there.
I hate having PTSD!
I hate being scared I hate that I am not the full of life fun woman I used to be I feel like I am a scared little girl in the shell of a woman.

I thought that the worst of what those men boys did to me was over, little did I know that they hurt me far worse than I could ever imagine. I did not know someone could hurt you so bad that it isn't only a memory but everyday it seems like it is happening over and over again.

I wish I could say that I was getting better and that the Dr.s are helping me but I would be lying. I wish I could say that someday I will be ok again but that isn't true either, PTSD is not something that goes away, I have been told "You just learn to manage it" well I am not managing it very well I don't know how any one can "manage" to be ok when you are terrified of the past.

I never used to be afraid of anything except something happening to my children now I feel scared of everything and everyone. I feel like no one is safe. I snap at my partner and I even snap at my children because I am so tired and worn thin.

I don't know how many of my followers actually read this but if you do and you know where I am coming from or are where I have been, PLEASE call the police if someone is hurting you, You do not deserve to be hit and sometimes the pain from it never goes away. I am proof of that.

 PTSD is not just something war veterans get ANY kind of trauma can cause it. The doctors do help but IN MY OPINION they really don't know what I am going through so how can they help me. With that I think I am just angry that these people, who have never had it happen, are trying to tell me I will be ok and I can "manage". How do they know? just because they read it in a book doesn't make it true.


I hope everyone is having a nice morning, day, afternoon, evening or night wherever you are!