Letting go

This is not part of the on going story but it does have to do with me. I have been away from the abuse for almost three years, everyday is a huge struggle for me. I can't let go the of the pain it is always there it comes and goes as it pleases. I get triggered numerous times daily, I relive it every night in my dreams. I am trapped. I try to make myself better and it isn't working I try to tell my self I am ok and that I will be ok but I don't know if I can believe it anymore. I try so hard to be "normal" and go on about my life. I try to pretend none of the horrible stuff  has happened and  it doesn't matter. I have PTSD, and right now it has me and is not letting go. I am in fear daily of everything from the quietest noises to the loudest. I jump at my shadow my heart races every time my phone rings and I fear I am going to do something wrong no matter what it is. I try not to be like this but it isn't something I can just make go away even though I really wish I could. I feel bad all the time. I don't know how to deal with this anxiety alone and I don't want to bother anyone at the same time. so I feel stuck I feel lost in my own little world in my head where it is all horror and nightmares.

I just needed to get this out I needed it out of me. I admit I am not strong, but I hope to be someday. I just want my story to help I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I do. I want them to know they are not alone.